


i want to complicate you

by crockercorptm



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Introspection, Kissing, M/M, Pining, essek has a crush lmao, i just love essek, whats sexier than wizards? nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:13:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23607349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crockercorptm/pseuds/crockercorptm
Summary: Essek can still picture Caleb desperately holding out the beacon, unknowingly displaying the full power of the dynasty’s god in his worn human hands, bound in leather and doe eyed, a perfect picture of subdigation.Essek imagines that image will stay seared into his mind like a brand for a long time.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss & Caleb Widogast, Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 21
Kudos: 247





	i want to complicate you

**Author's Note:**

> title from "far too young to die" by p!atd (grade 8 me is quaking)

Essek had made a plan. A careful, delicately crafted plan. 

It had taken decades of gaining the trust of high officials, years of saying the right thing at the right time, all for him to inch closer to the Bright Queen. He needed the trust and power that she brought him. He needed access to the right places, to the right secrets.

Finally, he had handed over the beacon. He would at long last be able to understand the inner workings of dunamancy, of consecution, of the very soul. As long as he kept his head down, he would finally be able to discover the knowledge he had been craving his entire life.

Then the Mighty Nein crashed into the throne room holding a beacon, and shattered everything he had worked for. They were unexpected. _He_ was unexpected. 

Essek can still picture Caleb desperately holding out the beacon, unknowingly displaying the full power of the dynasty’s god in his worn human hands, bound in leather and doe eyed, a perfect picture of subdigation. 

Essek imagines that image will stay seared into his mind like a brand for a long time. 

It’s all painfully ironic. He had given away the very same thing that Caleb had returned. Both given in a hope to gain something, both given in a gamble, though the Mighty Nein’s reasoning was much nobler than he could imagine. The release of a friend, a friend that Essek was responsible for taking away. 

It was more ironic that they wanted to be friends with him, and even worse, he wanted to be friends with _them_. 

They invited him into their strange den, with lights and trees and harp music. They offered him dinner and company. And he had loved it, despite himself. 

He was sitting on their couch after chatting with the group. They were interested in the dynasty, and it was easy to slip into conversation. Jester and Beau had went off to bed a while ago, and Fjord and Caduceus were cleaning up in the kitchen. Yasha and Nott had left earlier, tired and bit tipsy. So the once busy room was nearly empty, except for him and Caleb. 

“I am glad you decided to stay for dinner, Herr Thelyss, and Frumpkin is too” Caleb says, stroking a ginger cat that was purring softly in his lap. The thing looked like a cat, but if Essek had to guess, he would say that it was probably his familiar. 

Essek let himself laugh slightly, “Oh please, I believe we are past formalities...Caleb.” 

Caleb smiles softly at this, and looks down at his familiar. “You know, I admire your curiosity, it reminds me a bit of how I used to be.”

He thinks back to the spell Caleb had shown him in hopes to learn dunamancy, one that he had created by himself. “I would say you’re still quite curious Caleb.”

“Hmm, yeah I suppose, but… it’s different now. Knowledge isn’t what’s most important to me anymore.”

The room is lit by the soft glow of the fireplace, and it casts a warm orange light on Caleb, his light eyelashes are illuminated by the flame, and cast sharp shadows on his freckled cheeks. He could see that his face had a tender expression, his eyes relaxed. 

“Then what is?” He couldn’t help but ask.

“This is,” Caleb looks around, and with his free hand he gestures to the room, “These people, this family. I owe them a great deal. I use what knowledge I gain to protect them. I can not begin to imagine who I would be if I had not met them.”

While saying the last part Caleb stares directly at Essek, his ice blue eyes meet his gaze, unflinching. His expression is still soft, but hides something else, something darker. For a moment Essek can see himself reflected back in those eyes, and sees his own guarded expression. Then Caleb looks away and settles back into a relaxed position in the chair, his eyes closed.

His heart is pounding. These quiet moments, he wonders, are they worth the risk? Every second he spends with these people he puts them in danger. It never would have bothered him before, so why did it now? 

That wasn’t even the most troubling thought. What if, after a century of building walls, he let them all come crashing down for these people he had known for a few weeks? He was putting himself in danger. He was complicating his plan. 

Softly, the cat jumped onto the space beside him and interrupted his thoughts. _Frumpkin_ , he had called it. The cat carefully nudged it’s head against his hand, and purred softly. Essek scratches between it’s ears gently. He feels as the tension he has been carrying from his frantic thoughts begin to melt a bit. After petting it a bit more, he leans down and kisses its little forehead without thinking. There is no one around to judge him for enjoying the company of a sweet cat. 

He glances up at Caleb, but he is still relaxed in the chair, eyes closed, and he breathes a sigh of relief. It looks like he had fallen asleep. 

“Your wizard must have been tired,” he whispers to the cat, and feels a bit foolish, “I suppose I am also a little tired.” The cat stares up at him and blinks knowingly. 

He had not socialized this much in years. He had also not enjoyed himself this much in years. Maybe it was an error in judgement clouded by the wine he had drank earlier, but he allows himself look towards Caleb. 

Essek is not a fool, he knows what these feelings are. He also knows that they are useless, and would only drag him down. But despite himself, he lets himself sit for a moment, and admire the handsome wizard in front of him. His flaming hair and sharp cheeks, his strange, soft ears… Essek wants to reach out and touch him so badly it makes his heart ache. He wants to study him, to learn each and every plane of his skin, discover every part of him, like a puzzle waiting to be solved. 

He tears his gaze away as if he had been blinded by the sun. He has different priorities he has to focus on. His work is more important. Isn’t it? 

He pats the cat on the head, “Go back to your beautiful wizard now.” It seems to listen and hops back towards Caleb, and Essek begins to leave.

“Leaving so soon?”

When he glances behind him he can see Caleb sitting upright, his face flushed and warmed, presumably from the fire, eyes half shut so he looks up at him through his lashes. 

“Ah yes, I must return to my research.”

“Well,” Caleb seems to think carefully about something before shaking it off, “Gute nacht.”

“Goodnight,” he replies softly. Then he lifts himself off the ground and makes his way home. 

He tries not to think about them when they’re gone, but it’s difficult. He had never had time for many friends before, and was used to the idea of being alone. However, he was not used to being _lonely_.

Usually, he found comfort and focus in his solitude, but now, there was an ache that was growing inside of him, and it was distracting. He couldn’t stop from thinking about them, all their strange ways and foolish escapades. Like when Jester created a parasol for him so he could be comfortable in the sun, it didn’t really help him, but the fact that she made an effort stuck with him more than it probably should have.

He can not remember the last time he was shown such pure and unadulterated kindness, without hope for something in return. If it was a transaction he could understand, but the way they just let him in with open arms left him confused. Of course they also were using him for his influence, but the Assembly had also used him, but they treated him like a tool instead of a friend. 

They had no idea who they were dealing with. They had no idea what he had done, and it made him ache with a different feeling. One that was just as foreign to him as loneliness. He felt _guilty_. 

Then they find out. Essek feels as his new, fragile world comes crumbling down. He expects them to hate him, and he’s sure that some of them do. But they also continue to show him kindness, and he’s not sure how much more if this he can take. 

He can’t stop thinking of Caleb, on his knees and gently holding him. The feeling of the kiss on his forehead replays over and over.

Obviously he isn’t forgiven, he’ll have to work for that. But he is making progress, and that was something. 

Caleb is in his study, focused intently on learning a new dunamantic spell, and Essek is more than eager to assist. Hopefully, his magical tutoring will help put him back in good standings with the Mighty Nein. Of course, he was also working on restoring his much more… grand mistakes, but one step at a time. 

“Here you go Caleb, it’s a book about the more offensive uses of dunamancy throughout the past few centuries.” 

Caleb looks up from where he is sitting on the floor, scattered notes and pages litter the ground around him. Essek reaches the island of respite in the ocean of clutter that decorates his tower’s floor, and floats the book down to Caleb’s level. 

He takes it without looking up from his work, “Danke, this will be very useful.”

Essek preens a bit at the words, letting himself smile slightly, before noticing the cover of the book. “Ah, I believe I have made a mistake.”

“Did you just now realize this?” 

Essek flinches a bit at the words, but notices Caleb’s expression and relaxes. He is teasing him. “No, it seems I forgot that you can not read Undercommon.”

The wizard sits up straighter and tucks a stray strand of hair behind his ear, he looks up at him and smiles, as if there's a joke that only he knows the punchline to, “Oh, this? This will not be a problem.”

He then takes out his spell book and begins to cast, while Essek looks on quizzically. Watching Caleb work was interesting, his movements and words were seemingly casual, but if you looked at it right, you can see the years of study and practice that made it so. It was fascinating, and Essek could not stop himself from watching the way he moves his hands. 

“There we go, much better. ‘Dunamancy Through the Ages: A Defensive Guide’.”

He could not hold back his surprise at the sight of Caleb easily reading the tome, and felt his heart skip a beat. _He is just reading_ , he thinks, _get a hold of yourself_. 

“Well, if the language of the book is not going to be an issue, then I have something to show you.”

He holds out his hand to assist Caleb up, not sure if he will take it, but he grabs it almost without thought. His hands are rough, and seemed almost singed at the fingertips. For one glorious moment in time he stands there and holds Caleb’s hand, feeling the warmth from the human deep into his skin. Then he lets go, and Essek fumbles a bit at the sudden loss of contact.

“Um, right this way.”

He leads him down a hall, towards his personal chambers, walking beside him, because that is something he does now, no need to impress these people. Another way that the Mighty Nein has changed him. With a wave of his hand he opens the door, and steps inside.

Without checking on Caleb behind him he strides over to his bedside table, where he is keeping a few extra books on the topic. He lifts them with magic and turns back towards the wizard. 

Caleb is standing there in the doorway, expression frozen, looking a bit awkward and out of place. Only then does he realize he just invited Caleb to his room. He suddenly feels very underdressed, having not worn his usual mantle, opting for a slightly more casual set of robes. 

“Uh, yes, I have what I was looking for…”

“Essek.”

The sound of his name sends a shock through him. The way Caleb says it, his expression focused, like a storm brewing on the horizon, it makes him dizzy. 

Caleb steps forward towards him, “Essek, there’s something…”

And gods Essek just wants him to stop talking right then, he wants to kiss him so hard he doesn’t have to hear whatever tragic truth he is going to say. He wants to kiss him until he doesn’t have to think anymore.

Caleb hesitates, before he reaches up and places a hand to his cheek, and Essek leans into the touch, so desperately it’s embarrassing. He doesn’t know what Caleb is thinking, but in this moment he doesn’t really care. It had been a very long time since someone had touched him with this much deliberate tenderness. It was almost as if he was a creature deserving of love.

“Essek...”

And just like that, the storm clouds break. Months of looking when he thought no one was paying attention, months of almost touching when working together, months of imagining what he would do in this moment… the emotions all come pouring out. 

“Please,” he says. 

Essek’s breathe hitches, the word coursing through veins, electric like lighting. He has to close his eyes. It would break him, to see the man that had damned him and blessed him in equal turn, hopeful and yearning for _his_ affection despite everything. He can hear the desperation in Caleb’s voice, how much he longs for Essek, and it breaks his heart. Instinctively, he wants to refuse, protect Caleb from his mistakes, but he is a hopeless, selfless creature. 

So he kisses him. 

When he is not floating, he is slightly shorter than Caleb, so he has to tilt his chin up. Caleb lifts his other hand to his face and cradles him, fingers pulling slightly on his neck, guiding him closer. It’s hot, it’s so gods damned hot, he can barely breathe. No matter how many times he imagined this, it could not have been close to this moment. Because this was _real_ and this was _now_.

Caleb pushes him backwards and he doesn’t stop it, doesn’t _think_. The books he had first come into the room for clattered to the floor ages ago, the spell forgotten. He’s tired of thinking. Tired of planning, of focusing. Everything had just become so complicated, and he was so damn tired.

He feels the bed behind him and falls back a bit so he’s sitting, before reaching up and resuming kissing Caleb. He grabs onto Caleb’s hips, desperate to hold onto anything. He feels light headed, his world is spinning

“Please,” Caleb says again, and he’s out of breath. 

Essek doesn’t know what he’s asking for, he doesn’t even know what he wants anymore. But he kisses him again desperately, before falling forward and resting his forehead on Caleb’s collarbone, trying to catch his breath.

“Gods - Caleb, I can’t...“ he rasps shakily, too overwhelmed to be embarrassed.

“I am sorry, I should not have-“

“No! It is all right, it is… more than alright, actually.” He laughs quietly. He was a selfish creature. 

If he is caught, he is dead. Does he really want to drag these people into the mess he created? He wanted to learn, he wanted knowledge -and he still does. He just regrets getting these people involved, now there was so much more to worry about.

“I am sorry it’s just, you have made everything so complicated. And, I’m not sure I should let you complicate things even more.”

Caleb looks down at him, and places his hands on Essek’s face, holding him gently, paralleling how he held him that night on the ship. Just like in that throne room a lifetime ago, he once again holds unlimited power in his two human hands. 

“Let me.”

“What?”

“Let me complicate you.” 

And that’s it. Essek leans up and kisses him again. Caleb goes limp for a second, before pushing him away, and looking into his eyes.

“These people, they changed me. For the better. Let me help change you.” 

Essek doesn’t know if he wants to change anymore, he is already so different now. He has friends and morals, which are new, though still slightly questionable, on both accounts. How much more does he change until he becomes an entirely new person, when will this metamorphosis reach its conclusion? 

But if it means he can kiss Caleb like this, and study with a powerful, cunning wizard to stop the lonely nights in his tower… then maybe change is alright. 

“Alright Caleb Widowgast, complicate me.”

And he does.

**Author's Note:**

> the idea of essek getting hot and bothered by caleb casting comprehend languages is from the fic "the only way is esseks" by supersonica haha i loved it sm i had to include it
> 
> im still not very confident in my writing, so i hope you liked it! i love essek so much lmao but he's hard for me to write, also im posting this at midnight so sorry for any mistakes lol


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